16 mars 2010

feelings

today I've decided to write in english, just for practice. tomorrow is D-day when it comes to every english skill I possess. tomorrow is the day when everything I've learned through my years should be where it belongs - in my brain. tomorrow is also the day when I'll do all the hard work by heart, because I'm so self-confident about my language-skills I haven't even opened the book. I think it's gonna be alright anyway.
if you didn't already figure out, this was my day off to study. what have I been doing? not what I should, at least. I've worked on my final exam, I've been cleaning my closet, I've been facebooking, I've been talking to darling on the phone, I've been out on a walk with anna, I've been out riding, I've danced 50 minutes zumba... and exactly where does that leave my studying plans? under the bed, I guess.
so now I'll be a good student, shut off this stupid computer, get into my cosy bed with my new moon-book in my hands. and I'll probably fall asleep, dreaming only in english so I can be ready tomorrow. wish me good luck!

something I've also done today is a thing which never leaves me with anything good on my mind. yes, I've been thinking. and afterwards I decided that's a thing I should stop doing. I should stop over-analyzing everything, stop undererstimating people and, as I've been told many times before, learn to apprechiate what I have. but I also know myself good enough to know it's not gonna be easy giving up all those bad qualities I have.
I'm also gonna apologize for what an asshole I am right now. I hope people in the danger zone understand what my bad mood depends on; I'm stressed and tired and feel like I should do a million things I neither have time nor motivation to do. so devoutedly, I'm sorry. and I mean it.
I've caught myself not only once, but a hundred times making things a lot worse than they really are. I exaggerate in fifty percent of the cases when a controversy comes up, and everytime I feel as if there's nothing I can do about it.
and I can't always blame my past and the things that hurt me back then. I've got so much more to give, I know, and life shouldn't be just downs, there should be ups too. don't get me wrong here, my life is full of ups too. I just don't see them in the right way, I guess.

as words of wisdom say, "you never miss the water until it's gone". but I really don't want it to go that far. I'd rather die than live without you. and that's the hardest part, I guess, loving someone so devoutedly it hurts, thinking about the person night and day, always changing what you should be doing to be with your chosen one instead. I would never ever as long as I live do anything that would risk losing you. because I'm hopelessly in love, I've never felt this feeling before, and most importantly, I'd cross the universe to be right where you are.
and maybe that's also my problem, I put my heart and soul into everything that has to do with this relationship, that's why I'm so afraid of losing you. because sometimes it feels as if when I'll go, you won't stop me. and it makes me sad, because you're my whole life and I love you. in all the ways you can love another person. that part I know, will never change.

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